I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
