omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
