I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
