im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My life is pants optional.
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