Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
