I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
