I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
