When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
