he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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