I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
