I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies