The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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