I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
