I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
