I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
