I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single