Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.