Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dating After Heartbreak
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.