my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
