i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
