I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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