Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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