Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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