Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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