i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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