At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
