The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
