If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
