you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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