Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
