We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
