I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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