I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
