Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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