Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
