I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
