is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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