drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
