I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
P.S. I can't hear my feet
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
