you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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