How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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