and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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