It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
be right there i have to get my cape
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
