I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
