Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
