and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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