Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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