Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
