Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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