We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
