if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
