I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
