yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
