Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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