Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
