Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
