It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
